and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize