Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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