Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
