I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
