Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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