Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
