I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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