I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
