remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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