so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
