Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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