So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
