Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
