saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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