come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
