the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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