i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
