Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
