I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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