i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
