the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
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