I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
