So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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