I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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