when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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