My sheets look like a crime scene.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
