I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
