Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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