Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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