Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
