What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
