There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
