On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
