she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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