Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
