Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
