I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I looked at my own cervix.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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