I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
