I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
