I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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