oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
