a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize