I didn't shave. On purpose
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize