I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
