"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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