I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
