I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
