dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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