i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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