I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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