hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
