my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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