Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
