I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
